Hey folks.
I've been wanting to write a journal from quite a while now, but I haven't been able to, for one reason or another, but today I decided to, I just got up , I've been thnking about too many things since I woke up, my mind it's a complete mess.
It's ok if you don't want to keep reading, I just want a little bit of pain and stress reief and maybe writing this would help. So before moving on, some info for my commissioners, I'm still working on your stuff, I haven't been able to work the way I would wan to on your stuff, the reason will b explained later in this journal... anyways, thans for being patient.
So let's get started...
As the tittle says, my lifehas been like a rollercoaster, everytime I just go in my way up, its just to fall really reallu quic.k, and end up at the bottom and even deeper.
Noting has been the way I planned, everything ends up going wrong...ever since I left my home everything in my life just tuns ut pretty bad... everything is just completely ut of control, or at least it was that way a couple months ago.
As I let you know back in december, I finally got a job... but it was really late. I got many debs since my family stoped suporting me economically, I don't blae them of course, but what I really feel bad about, was the fact that they thught I didn't are about them anymore, just because I didn't call them, even thou I did tell them I wasn't able to call, becaue I was broke, no joke, not even able to afford a phone call, sometimes not even able to afford food, I'm not sure what was my uncle's behavior since I left, he drinks... a lot.. and he does some awfulthings whenever he's runk, and my mother always was the victim, cuz she was in a lot of sorrow everytime my uncle was drunk....
I was trying hard to survive, getting some commissions here and there, but yeah, my PC was also dying, so I couldn't work the way I wanted, and everytme I tried to do something I had one, two or more troubles coming out in my way... jeez yeah, it's hard to live on your own, specially when the only thing that you can do to earn some money, is draw, and even worse when your tools simply doesn't work...
However, I got a job after some months struggling to survive... and the work turned out to notbe what I expected.
The job if I feltbad at the beggining there, I slowly started to feel even worse, like trapped, why? because the ind of 'art' I do there.
You know, for a long time, like one and a hlf year, I'v been wanting to do a magazine about art, cuz here in Mexico, art it's understimated, I wanted to change that, not to do the same thing everyone does, jut complain and complain...
So I thought I could actually do something about it in my brand new job,to help it to improve, but I just realize it's the same fucking thing, but worse, where the job of a trained artist wasn't even thought of an important thing, and you know what? they've been in much trouble because of that. I wanted to start changing things, but nothing changed, and I couldn't help the way I wanted because of more crap happening in my life.
But okay.. I tried something different, I started to practice harder and harder to become a better artist, and it orked, I've improved a whole lot the last month, in a more rapid way than ever. I felt better and better, like I could change stuff finally... I decided to do a gallery show in my city, about people, their inner and their outer self, I wantd to include both, portraits and nude figure, to express different things, I started to look out for friends who would like to be my models(I'm still looking thou), I got a couple willing to do it...
Everything seemed a bit better finally, I'm about to pay all the money of months of rent I owe...
And here comes he fall again... three days ago, on friday 12th 2010, my mother passed away... a heart attack... a lot f things crosed my mind... everything that has happened ever since I moved, striked me at once...
Now here I am, thinking about what to do, I feel a lot of pain, and I have a lot of mixed feelings... and I'm just told to move on... yes I will, how, I'm not sure yet.
Sorry for making this journal too big , just felt the need to write it somewhere.
To my mom:I love you and always will, you'll be forever in my memory...
To my friends: I love you too, sorry if I haven't been able to talk to you, I love you
I love you really much, thanks for being always by my side, you are an important part in my life , I'm sorry for my behavior, I didn't mean to cause such a pain... I wish I'd know how to really forgive myself, I'l find out...loveisour resistance...
for you: I love you 'desde el principio' how could I possibly do anything to fix things? I wis I'd knew.... but this love has grown, no matter how much time has passed since the last time we crossed words.
Mom... goodbye, we'll see each other sooner or later, I know.
WE should endure...